If you've ever — in what I can only guess would be an incredibly bored state — assumed rural, agricultural-based fairs are not my thing, you're correct. All the same, last Saturday I found myself in Rio Grande, Ohio, attending the Bob Evans Farm Festival.
I've actually gone to that particular festival quite a bit over the past decade or so. I used to meet an old friend there to catch up, and it's also a good place not so far from home to take a kid on a Saturday or Sunday in early fall, when — by some miracle — there are no youth sports events scheduled.
While the young folk run through hay mazes, ride carnival rides and scratch the ears of farm animals deemed safe to pet, my main activity is people watching. Don't judge me. It's fascinating. Honestly, it's also hard to avoid. Your head has to be on a swivel in a crowd, and certain things just fall right into your field of vision.
Now, some things I know I'll always see at the Bob Evans festival. One is a massive amount of Ohio State jerseys, T-shirts and hoodies, especially if I'm there on a Saturday. Makes sense. Another is some of the most hilarious and cringeworthy T-shirts imaginable. Really, that's applicable to just about any gathering that falls under the umbrella of a festival, but I hadn't attended such an event in a while, so I was clocking them left and right.
A lot of shirts depicted the American flag in some form or fashion, which is common. However, when the shirt says "Best Dog Dad" within a heart outline superimposed over the stars and stripes, the overall theme is a tad elusive. The gentleman wearing that shirt happened to be losing his mind very vocally at a pair of kids, whom I assumed to be his children or grandchildren. I didn't know the context behind the outburst, so I'll withhold judgment, other than to say I see why the shirt didn't say "Best dad" or "Best grandad." I didn't see a dog with them, so whether this man is qualified to wear a shirt proclaiming his title remains a mystery.
Another shirt I thought was actually pretty clever simply said, "That's a terrible idea. What time?" I looked that one up after I got home and learned you can buy it at Target and Kohl's, so I do have to deduct some points for originality. Still, I'm a sucker for simple humor with vague implications.
Toward the end of the day, I thought I saw a shirt that said "Anti-science social club," which had me confused for a second. However, instead of leaping to righteous indignation, I took another look and realized it said "Anti-social social club." That's worth a brief chuckle. This is an entire line of clothing of its own, with that slogan on everything the company sells. The brand also slaps the NASCAR logo below the slogan on some of its stuff, which is interesting. I'm sure there's more to it, but, faulty individual that I am, I was too lazy to investigate further.
Another shirt simply proclaimed: "Jesus won." I was of the impression that this victory has yet to come for adherents of the Christian faith, but fair enough. Bonus points for not using the American flag on that one.
Of course, there were a lot of shirts that had the Punisher skull with the American flag color scheme, or a flag and a rifle, a bald eagle and a firearm, etc. That's always going to be there.
One shirt I spotted took things a bit further, sporting the image of an assault rifle on the front along with the words "I lubricate my AR-15 with liberal tears."
OK, I have some issues here. First off, if we go with the basic premise of the shirt, your bore and bolt rail are eventually going to rust. That's just poor and negligent maintenance of your constitutionally approved male compensation device. Shame. Also, where are you getting these tears? Have you harmed your fellow Americans to obtain this saline solution? Do you fantasize about harming your fellow Americans?
This particular shirt is more of a specialty item, but you can find it on Amazon. Funnily enough, it's not Made in the USA. The one this guy was wearing didn't look like others I found online, though, and used stenciling that appeared slightly off, leading me to think it might've been homemade.
Overall, the vibe is that you're trying too hard, bud. Rein it in a bit. Oh, and thanks for ruining my search history. I'll send my liberal tears to the local depository.
Ben Fields is the Gazette-Mail opinion editor. Reach him at ben.fields@hdmediallc.com or 304-348-5129. Follow @benfields5@bsky.social on Bluesky.
